I am at the scene of a crime …

The evidence:

criminal butter

The main suspect:

boots

Now tell me – does it look to you as if butter would melt in his mouth?

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Do you think, perhaps, that John Trevolta might be Cornish?

Well, he might …

That looks a lot like fudge to me.

(We’ve been amusing ourselves today attempting to recite lines from his films in our impeccable Cornish accents. This is what one is reduced to when it rains and rains and rains on holiday!)

Prepare a yawn …

I’ve been tagged by Coffee Boy for a meme that you may have seen going around. I’m very bad at memes – nothing brings crashing home my fundamental dullness like being asked for 5 interesting facts about myself. I’ve got one of those pending. Very pending. And every time I think of something more or less interesting, I write it down on the proverbial back of an envelope. And then I lose it. There – that’s probably more interesting, in itself, than anything I’ve written down on the envelope so far.

So you see my problem. And it’s going to be made all the worse by the fact that Coffee Boy did a triumphal job with his version. Anyway – here goes. At least with this one, the questions are provided so that’s half the inspiration. That’s it – it’s a meme for the intellectually fatigued!

1. My uncle once: no – in fact, several times, was summoned to donate blood because he had some fancy rare blood group. In fact, he went on donating long after age should have precluded him because of it!

2. Never in my life: Kentucky Fried Chicken. Brrrrrr.

3. When I was five: I was very good at climbing trees and wanted to be an archaeologist. Lara Croft was totally based on me.

4. High School was: mostly in Scotland.

5. I will never forget: sorry – I wrote it down on the back of an envelope – it’s here somewhere …

6. I once met: Christopher Lee in a lift. I couldn’t prevent myself putting my hand up to my neck.

7. There’s this girl I know who: … hey that sounds like gossip and I’m officially the most discreet person in the world. I knew exactly where Johnny Depp was staying when they were filming The Libertine round here and I didn’t tell a soul! And I knew David Tennant was going to do Hamlet way before it was announced. Likewise, didn’t breathe a word.

8. Once, at a bar: I used to drink Scotch and coke. What was I thinking?

9. By noon, I’m usually: wondering why I didn’t have breakfast.

10. Last night: it rained and rained and rained.

11. If I only had: one super-power, it would be the ability to give malefactors immediate and irresistible diarrhoea. (Actually, the ability to spell diarrhoea without having to look it up would be a start.)

12. Next time I go to church: I’ll be thinking about my mum and wondering where she’s gone.

13. Terry Schiavo: is someone I just looked up on Wiki, but I don’t really have an opinion.

14. What worries me most: is being trapped by the foot by a giant clam, underwater.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: a door and a lot of paperwork patiently awaiting my attention.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: another door and, through it, my son, playing on Guitar Hero III.

17. You know I’m lying when: my voice goes all squeaky and I sound particularly reasonable.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is my gravity defying hair do.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: ‘a’ or maybe ‘k’.

20. By this time next year: my kids will be in Peru – perubably.

21. A better name for me would be: ‘Gazes Out Of The Window’ or ‘Shops At Primark’ or ‘Rarely Does Ironing’

22. I have a hard time understanding: what people mean when they say, ‘deceptively simple’. Does that mean it really is simple but it looks hard, or it really is hard but it looks simple?

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be surprised by what a cold day it is in hell.

24. You know I like you if: I get all silly and giggly.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: my lucky stars – or maybe St Jude, patron saint of lost causes.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: what?

27. Take my advice, never: think to yourself, ‘Well, these shoes are bound to get more comfortable as I wear them’.

28. My ideal breakfast is: baguette, unsalted butter, Rose’s Lime Jelly Marmlade and Yorkshire tea – lots of it. 

29. A song I love, but do not have is: Rapper’s Delight, by the Sugar Hill Gang. More innocent days, my friends.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you buy an attractive bust of William Shakespeare. Every home should have one.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: are you on drugs? Oh, I see. Tulip – Queen of the Night or those nice lily-flowered types with the pointy reflexed petals; character flaws – too many to list; microchips – salt and vinegar, please; track stars – with the Hubble telescope.

32. Why won’t people: just do what I tell them?

33. If you spend the night at my house: you’ll be quite cosy, although a cat may walk on you.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: Mr Briggs, bringing the letter that confirms that my husband to be, Mr Rochester, is already married. Actually, I wouldn’t marry Mr Rochester at all. I think he’s abusive. Mr Darcy all the way. Or possibly Noddy – own car, cheerful nature, good with animals, steady job, likes cake. What’s not to like.

35. The world could do without: string cheese.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have it lick my belly. But I’d want to wash it first. And make sure it’s horrible little scratchy feet were out of the way.

37. My favorite blonde is: … must I? I don’t really like blonde men, tbh. Don’t mind ginge, don’t mind grey, don’t mind bald – but blonde … nah, sorry. If I must – Gwen Stefani.

38. Paper clips are more useful than: you might imagine. You can straighten them out and prod people with them, for a start.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: usually by accident.

40. And by the way: you’re snoring!

I have been dabbling in the Yakult!

And here’s why.

In the last few weeks we have had a interloper cat troubling the tranquility of our lovely home (hemhem). And of our lovely cats. This beastly creature had probably once been someone’s pampered pet, but he’d gone feral and had been hanging round our gaffe for a while, I think, to judge from the torn binbags and the scratches and bites on our pair of softies. He gradually got bolder and bolder and eventually started coming in through the cat flap of a night (and even of a day, sometimes) and toughing up our cats whenever he saw them. We called him the Ginger Ninja. 

So one day, I was ejecting  him through the front door when something spooked him and he went bonkers and attacked me! Yes! Poor blameless little me – and sank his manky teeth and claws into my right forearm. Which proceeded to blow up like a balloon overnight, turn bright red from wrist to elbow and become very hot and sore indeed! It looked a bit like this:

 

But with fewer cloves.

So I took it along to show the doctor – who looked quite disgusted – and slapped me on the strongest antibiotics in his extensive repertoire – with hilarious results.

And that is why I have been avidly ingesting friendly bacteria in the form of Yakult. I’ve had enough of the unfriendly type.