My thoughts on ‘The Duchess’

The film, I mean. Not the person. Not that I really know any Duchesses. Except that one I made scrambled eggs for that time in the south of France. So there wouldn’t be any point me sharing my thoughts on them. Or her. Really. Would there?

Just before I get on with this, I’ve reached an interesting conclusion. My talents as a film critic seem to me to be about on a par with those of Patroclus (who has been much in my mind lately). But she doesn’t seem to reckon she’s any good, whereas I think both I and she are excellent. A paradox, surely? You can be the judge.

Anyway, here are my thoughts:

1) I always thought you pronounced it George-ee-ah-na, whereas is the film they pronounce it George-ay-na.

2) Kiera Knightly doesn’t do that thing she does with her teeth. Hardly at all. Which is just as well, cos it drove me mad in both in Pride and Prejudice and in Atonement. She didn’t do it much in Pirates, though, did she?

3) Despite the crashingly obvious parallel with the farce marriage of the late Princess of W and Prince Charles, she didn’t seem to be channelling said late princess too much. Ralph Fiennes, however, was very Prince Charles-ish. A girl I once knew snogged Ralph Fiennes. In fact, she might have gone the whole nine yards. I can’t really remember. It was before he was famous anyway so I wasn’t paying much attention.

4) It was much easier to get tickets than for Mama Mia – which was booked out by loud, dirty, boozy women days in advance. There were a few men in the audience too. Surprisingly. I didn’t think men really liked KK because of her total lack of tits. On the other hand, the woman playing Camilla Lady Bess has a magnificent rack. She’s called Hayley Atwell. God bless Google.

5) You couldn’t see any of Keira Knightley’s shoes, because of the long dresses and all, but I bet they were fab and gorgey. They sounded nice, anyhow, as she stamped long those corridors (in high dudgeon, a lot of the time).

6) Ralph Feinnes has quite thin legs.

7) Rainbow drops, at my local cinema, are more expensive, ounce for ounce, than smoked salmon. They are awfully nice, though.

8) My sister, who actually read the book – albeit some time ago – said that it covered a much longer period of George-ay-na’s life than the film does. She also thought that the author, Amanda Foreman, had kind of washed her hands of the film. I seem to remember reading that she’d sold the rights for a decent amount, but not shed-loads. Still, the book is ranked 55 on Amazon now, so she probably wouldn’t kick it out of bed.

9) If someone wanted to make a film of one of my books, I’d let them get on with it.

10) Overall, it was very good. Better than Mama Mia, but not as good as Vanity Fair (the film, I mean, not the book – which I also haven’t read). Which was fab. (Incidentally, the girl who snogged Ralph Feinnes also snogged the bloke that played Rawdon Crawley in that. She took her work seriously).

Oh! I put an 8 and a ), and look what happened!

(Bear with me, Coffee Boy. Not long now.)

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10 thoughts on “My thoughts on ‘The Duchess’

  1. tim sorry, must be getting my measurements mixed up. that should have been ‘inches’
    no lissie i love her too, kind of, when she’s being a pirate and not doing that little chimpy smile thing. but i DON’T love her in the was lady bess did in the film. 12a!?

  2. I think “Dangerous Liaisons” was the last time I paid full-price to watch loads of hair and yards of fabric wander about the big screen. Thanks for the warning on this one.

    Did you use your friend’s experience in Moobs’ contest?

  3. oh, thanks – that was most informative

    waaay more informative (literally) than my film reviews which are usually (figuratively) along the lines of: yeah, it was great! no, really, it was, like, really good – see it! (eat yer heart out barry norman)

    ok, so she wasn’t doing the teeth thing but did she have her lips parted on a permanent basis (also drives me nuts – i mean, hello? you are not appearing in a soft porn movie, keira, lovey)

    tsk tsk

  4. i had to describe it to some people: the only way i could describe it in a sentence is that she gets off with eveyone on the promo poster (that i may have inadvertedly stole looking at my receipts)

  5. corgi there was a rather amusing moment when she actually set fire to her hair! i wonder if it was an accident and they decided to keep it in rather than put it in the bloopers.
    coffee boy i’d do anything – anything for you!
    hello lettuce hater perhaps we’ll have to arrange to go to the cinema together. together we could take over the world of film criticism.
    vn thanks for dropping by! can you imagine her reading the script? ‘what, so i do it with him, then her, ooh and then him! where do i sign?’.

  6. “A girl I once knew snogged Ralph Fiennes. In fact, she might have gone the whole nine yards. I can’t really remember. It was before he was famous anyway so I wasn’t paying much attention.”

    Hmmm, she wasn’t a flight attendant, was she? ;p From Australia???
    LOL

  7. 5) You couldn’t see any of Keira Knightley’s shoes, because of the long dresses and all, but I bet they were fab and gorgey. They sounded nice, anyhow, as she stamped long those corridors (in high dudgeon, a lot of the time).

    You do realise, don’t you, that what you heard won’t have been the shoes of Keira Blandly’s feet but those of some foley artist called Tony locked away in a dark cupboard full of random objects.

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