Prepare a yawn …

I’ve been tagged by Coffee Boy for a meme that you may have seen going around. I’m very bad at memes – nothing brings crashing home my fundamental dullness like being asked for 5 interesting facts about myself. I’ve got one of those pending. Very pending. And every time I think of something more or less interesting, I write it down on the proverbial back of an envelope. And then I lose it. There – that’s probably more interesting, in itself, than anything I’ve written down on the envelope so far.

So you see my problem. And it’s going to be made all the worse by the fact that Coffee Boy did a triumphal job with his version. Anyway – here goes. At least with this one, the questions are provided so that’s half the inspiration. That’s it – it’s a meme for the intellectually fatigued!

1. My uncle once: no – in fact, several times, was summoned to donate blood because he had some fancy rare blood group. In fact, he went on donating long after age should have precluded him because of it!

2. Never in my life: Kentucky Fried Chicken. Brrrrrr.

3. When I was five: I was very good at climbing trees and wanted to be an archaeologist. Lara Croft was totally based on me.

4. High School was: mostly in Scotland.

5. I will never forget: sorry – I wrote it down on the back of an envelope – it’s here somewhere …

6. I once met: Christopher Lee in a lift. I couldn’t prevent myself putting my hand up to my neck.

7. There’s this girl I know who: … hey that sounds like gossip and I’m officially the most discreet person in the world. I knew exactly where Johnny Depp was staying when they were filming The Libertine round here and I didn’t tell a soul! And I knew David Tennant was going to do Hamlet way before it was announced. Likewise, didn’t breathe a word.

8. Once, at a bar: I used to drink Scotch and coke. What was I thinking?

9. By noon, I’m usually: wondering why I didn’t have breakfast.

10. Last night: it rained and rained and rained.

11. If I only had: one super-power, it would be the ability to give malefactors immediate and irresistible diarrhoea. (Actually, the ability to spell diarrhoea without having to look it up would be a start.)

12. Next time I go to church: I’ll be thinking about my mum and wondering where she’s gone.

13. Terry Schiavo: is someone I just looked up on Wiki, but I don’t really have an opinion.

14. What worries me most: is being trapped by the foot by a giant clam, underwater.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: a door and a lot of paperwork patiently awaiting my attention.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: another door and, through it, my son, playing on Guitar Hero III.

17. You know I’m lying when: my voice goes all squeaky and I sound particularly reasonable.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is my gravity defying hair do.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: ‘a’ or maybe ‘k’.

20. By this time next year: my kids will be in Peru – perubably.

21. A better name for me would be: ‘Gazes Out Of The Window’ or ‘Shops At Primark’ or ‘Rarely Does Ironing’

22. I have a hard time understanding: what people mean when they say, ‘deceptively simple’. Does that mean it really is simple but it looks hard, or it really is hard but it looks simple?

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be surprised by what a cold day it is in hell.

24. You know I like you if: I get all silly and giggly.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: my lucky stars – or maybe St Jude, patron saint of lost causes.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: what?

27. Take my advice, never: think to yourself, ‘Well, these shoes are bound to get more comfortable as I wear them’.

28. My ideal breakfast is: baguette, unsalted butter, Rose’s Lime Jelly Marmlade and Yorkshire tea – lots of it. 

29. A song I love, but do not have is: Rapper’s Delight, by the Sugar Hill Gang. More innocent days, my friends.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you buy an attractive bust of William Shakespeare. Every home should have one.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: are you on drugs? Oh, I see. Tulip – Queen of the Night or those nice lily-flowered types with the pointy reflexed petals; character flaws – too many to list; microchips – salt and vinegar, please; track stars – with the Hubble telescope.

32. Why won’t people: just do what I tell them?

33. If you spend the night at my house: you’ll be quite cosy, although a cat may walk on you.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: Mr Briggs, bringing the letter that confirms that my husband to be, Mr Rochester, is already married. Actually, I wouldn’t marry Mr Rochester at all. I think he’s abusive. Mr Darcy all the way. Or possibly Noddy – own car, cheerful nature, good with animals, steady job, likes cake. What’s not to like.

35. The world could do without: string cheese.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have it lick my belly. But I’d want to wash it first. And make sure it’s horrible little scratchy feet were out of the way.

37. My favorite blonde is: … must I? I don’t really like blonde men, tbh. Don’t mind ginge, don’t mind grey, don’t mind bald – but blonde … nah, sorry. If I must – Gwen Stefani.

38. Paper clips are more useful than: you might imagine. You can straighten them out and prod people with them, for a start.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: usually by accident.

40. And by the way: you’re snoring!

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14 thoughts on “Prepare a yawn …

  1. cf also ‘deceptively spacious’ – that’s a good one.

    Don’t understand how you can have a song that you love but do not own. You have teenage children, no? Have they not heard of Torrent? Wonder Mike would still like to say hello, you know…

    And bizarrely, you remind me very slightly of Gwen Stefani…

    x

  2. well, moobs, my very dear – thank goodness for people like you, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to compare the respective comedy value of the months of the year.
    corgi i always wanted a pair of shoes like his, with the great big laces. i think i could manage without the hat, though.
    if they don’t, billy, then how do they eat, eh? surely everything has a tongue – even little ants and microbes and things. just think how annoying it would be if you didn’t and you had a crumb right beside your mouth. that would be terrible!
    lissie another one i just can’t cope with it ‘don’t do anything i wouldn’t do’. that’s why i failed the civil service exam, you know. it was one of the very first questions. torrent? no – what’s that? we’re very simple in warwickshire, you know – not like you avon sophisticates, hobnobbing with jamie oliver! (gwen stefani?! you must be on drugs) x

  3. YUM! Roses Lime marmalade and very cold, thickly spread unsalted butter on baguette is the best! All cockroaches should not exist in my opinion and I agree with moobs – this was remarkably enthralling and funny. I have Rappers Delight on original 12″ vinyl – will make a copy for you. I once spent an entire 40 minute English lesson working out the lyrics to that song and wrote them out verbatim in the back of my Collected Works of Tennyson. Disgraceful – I am still word perfect to this day. Sad but true. xx

  4. I now have water dribble from my nose in a most uncouth fashion. Thank you. Seriously – Scotch and coke? Tell me it wasn’t a good Scotch?!

  5. mmm romo! that’s yet another thing in common. it’s getting positively spooky. come for brekky next time. btw, word perfect for ‘rappers delight’ or tennyson?!? (the only bit i remember … or course … is ‘the curse has come upon me, cried the lady of shallot’ – cue classroom full of hormonal girls trying not to laugh)
    bec it’s astounding my dad didn’t disown me completely. i can only assume i was never reckless enough to raid his talisker!

  6. Noddy? I don’t know that (other things being equal) that I could put up with Big Ears around all day. Might he have made a sort of butler/groundsman? Not in the Jeeves/Mellors class, anyway.

    Breakfast! Yes, all for it. I once wrote a short story about Chopin, during his fatal tour of Scotland in 1848 (?), being invited to the Heart of Midlothian Hearty Breakfast Club (Patron: Daniel Lambert), but I stangled it at birth.

    I understand Emily Tennyson referred to her period as her ‘visitor’. ”My visitor’s upon me’, cried the Lady of Shalott’ would have other overtones, certainly.

  7. hello christopher – i don’t mind big ears so much, but i fear noddy has unresolved issues with tessy bear, so i don’t hold out much hope of a lasting relationship.
    emily’s version would have the teen girls in stitches too. mind you, it doesn’t take much!

  8. RG, I think the Gwen Stefani thing has something to do with her very vague vocal similarity to Lena Lovage, who will naturally ALWAYS remind me of you.

    And surely sharing a lift with Christopher Lee is a more impressive tenuous link than buying Richard Griffiths’ house? Speaking of which, has ANYONE received any of the treats that RG promised so wildly while soliciting votes?
    Thought not.

    Lx

  9. i thought it was lovich – anyway, i know of whom you type.
    i did submit the christopher lee story and a good many other, very tenuous, ones. le grand moobs, in his wisdon, chose uncle monty. who am i to dispute?
    as to the other matter – it’s going to be like one of these awful bogus competitions on the telly. you will be guaranteed a large latte and biscotti of your choice BUT it has to be in a place and at a time of my choosing! tra la la! xxx

  10. But Kentucky Fried Children are delicious!

    Oh. My mistake.

    I thought all memes were for the intellectually fatigued, but the way you’ve handled this one? It’s a cracker!

  11. Lovich then. Five years ago I would have remembered that (or at least, checked spelling on Google). Would you please mind keeping up with me in the mental deterioration stakes?

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