That would be an ecumenical matter

I’ve come up with an absolutely water-tight reason for Roman Catholic priests to be allowed to marry. (And, no, it’s not that one.)

Now don’t anyone go getting arsey on me. I’m a good Catholic girl, convent educated, liturgist, done Lourdes (and yes, I know I made that unfortunate comment about St Bernadette and temporal lobe epilepsy a little bit louder than I meant to, but sound carries in a grotto – ok?), kids at RC schools – and how! Plus, I know lots of priests and even some bishops, so I know whereof I speak.

And the reason is:

… ear hair.

Now, that chap’s not a priest, but I bet he’s not married either. I mean, what woman in her right mind could bear to have that on the pillow at night?

I’m not being horrid. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a fact of life that, as men get older, they get less hair on their heads and more sprouting from their ears and noses. And what with getting long sighted too, they can’t even see to handle the grooming themselves.

But the Church must think of the spiritual wellbeing of its members. It’s difficult to keep your mind on higher things when your fingers are itching for a pair of tweezers.

And women are just better at these things than men. We’ve had more practice, what with the waxing and the shaving and the plucking and the bleaching. I mean, if I weren’t so zealous in my attentions, I’d have a mono-brow, be sporting quite a dashing little moustache and look as if I were wearing fur trousers at this very moment. But I take care of these things. I am a woman and I take my role seriously.

The fact is, priests need wives. Should we start a petition? 


21 thoughts on “That would be an ecumenical matter

  1. I think you might be onto something there. Although, luckily my husband is one of those sorts who would take about two months to grow a beard because he is not blessed in the whiskers department and consequently (judging by his dad’s ears) he will not be sprouting stuff out of his own ears when he is a pensioner….thank God because I would not fancy clipping his ear hair. Surely your other half is not so ancient as to have this affliction?

  2. Oh wow. That guy is in serious need of a trim.

    I think you may be on to something here. One of the first purchases I made for my hubby was a personal trimmer…. And I insisted that he use it.

  3. He seems quite smug and pleased with himself. I can imagine (I have a very vivid imagination) the the gentle tugging sensation might be quite gratifying. Deep Ear, maybe.

    Sorry. It is extremely late.

  4. There’s actually a gene for hairy ears (by which I don’t just mean lobes with a bit of fluff) you know, and it’s the only sex-linked gene which is on the Y chromosome. So any of these guys get married, their son’s will all have it too. Their poor mums.

  5. I don’t like ear hair but I do quite like Denis Healy-style eyebrows on men … does that make me wierd? I mean the kind you could usefully store a pencil on top of.

    Actually, I have no idea why I’m broadcasting this fact on the internet.

  6. ohh yucky-yuck yuck. I wish I didn’t have that in my brain. Ha! Sudden thought, charlotteotter- EAR WAX!!! I apologise for that. It really was terrible. But quite funny.

  7. Ah the terrible moment when my barber first said to me: “would you like me to trim the hair in your ears?”

    I think married priests are inevitbale simply because numbers are declinging so fast they will need to be able to do that to fend off the dread prospect of women priests.

  8. emma what do you mean? that is my husband. (not really). i can’t leave comments on your blog any more – blogger hates me and even rejects my google acc. sorry! i think it’s something to do with wordpress and the ‘no anonymous comments’ feature of blogger. i’m still reading you though. x
    alpha i like your thinking – you may need to become defender of the faith in megrovia. x
    urban i’m almost to envious of your tenuous award to speak to you any more – but i love the idea of imaginary rosary beads so i’ll have to say ‘congratulations’ through gritted teeth.
    flutter i’m sorry to tell you i don’t even know how to use photoshop – not even sure i’ve got it. that is absolutely genuine! and i found it by googling ‘hairy ears’. bleeeeuuurgh!
    steph i was just thinking the other day that armpits are in a very inconvenient position for shaving. when i’m in charge – please, let it be soon – i’ll change all that. personal trimmers for men will be provided free! and there’ll be stiff penalties for not using them.
    mangonel you do have a vivid imagination! but you got me thinking. i wonder if it would be a bit like tugging your earlobes – cos that’s very pleasant. one of my hobbies, in fact. deep ear, indeed!
    violet where on earth do you get this information? i must know!
    meredic what on earth is that a picture of? (oh – and can i borrow an elastic band, please?). i have to hide my hairdresser’s receipts, so huge are they!
    sheepish for someone who deal with livestock everyday, that’s saying something!
    disgruntled your secret is safe with me – and the 1,766,000 other people on wordpress. mind you, it would help to keep your desk tidy.
    charlotte it would be tremendous fun to wax a man’s ear hair – only for the pain it would inflict, of course.
    bootsie your mind is as swirly-whirly as mine, i fear – so sue me! x
    billy i dunno – was he? i think the whole celibacy thing arose because the church was concerned about inheritence issues when priests had children – nothing theological at all. i’ll have to ask my mother – she’s frighteningly well informed on this kind of thing.
    moobs the only place they don’t have a problem recruiting priests is, apparently, in ledcs where a vow of poverty is actually a step up! i’m looking forward to inspecting your ears.

  9. Oh and find your own elstic band… 137, 138, 139…these are mine, all mine, mine I tell you, they are m… oops. Sorry I forgot it was on your dollar.

  10. whoever said the bit about st peter being married, you’re dead right. According to my Jesuit bro there is no liturgical reason for having unmarried priests or not having women ones. Just your old fashioned RC misogyny (i know whereof I speak too, RG!! Didn’t twig we were both in THAT club).

    Also, and apologies for any polish people out there, but this is really a joke about the last pope, from my aforementioned Jesuit bro.

    The Pope is praying to God.

    Oh dear god, oh dear lord, will there ever be married priests?

    Not in your lifetime, comes the answer.

    Phew, says the Pope. Thank God for that.

    then he starts praying again.

    Oh dear God, oh dear lord, will there ever be women priests?

    Again, the relpy comes, not in your lifetime.

    Thank the lord, says the Pope.

    He carries on praying.

    Oh dear God, Oh dear lord, will there ever be another Polish Pope?

    Not in my lifetime, says God.

  11. Oh my god – ear hair – I can’t stand it – no – I’m going to be sick and scream at the same time – yuuuuuuuck – yuuuuuck – yuuuuuuuuuck! Make it go away.

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